Always Be Running With Scissors

adogwithglasses:

Bridges are so awesome.  Do you know how great bridges are?  Oh man, they are so fucking awesome.

If you don’t think bridges are awesome I don’t think you’ve ever really taken the time to just sit back and really think about what bridges are.  Holy shit.

I don’t even know how bridges get made.  I’ve never seen a bridge being built, they’re always just already there by the time I reach a place where a bridge ought to be.

Oh my god, do you see that fucking bridge?  It’s ridiculous.

Bridges are basically the single construct that effectively portrays man’s dominance over nature.  Picture it.  There’s some guy wandering out there, and he comes across this gap in the land.  Maybe it’s only a few feet, maybe it’s a few fucking miles.  Either way, he sees this schism, glares across to the other patch of land with a gaze you could chisel a statue out of, and thinks to himself “no…. THIS WILL NOT DO.”  Next thing you know?  BAM.  Motherfucking bridge.

He doesn’t make a boat.  He doesn’t just say “fuck it, I guess that part of the Earth is OFF LIMITS!!!!”  He says “fuck it, I AM GOING TO MAKE MY OWN ARTIFICIAL WALKWAY SUSPENDED IN MID-FUCKING-AIR.”  How badass is that???  SUPER BADASS.

Big-ass suspension bridges are the best.  Just thousands of tons of steel and concrete laid out, saying “fuck you, you need to reach the other side of this water?  Get the fuck on, bitch.”  The bridge doesn’t give a shit whether you go on him or not.  It’s not like he’s about to fucking pack his bags and leave if he’s not being used enough like some needy little piece of shit.  The bridge has a fucking responsibility.  He’s just this determined, taciturn son of a bitch who is unwavering in his dedication to being the most badass structure ever created.

Fuck yes, bridges.

Are you seeing this?  Are you seeing this monolithic fucking edifice of “suck my dick, nature”?  Because I am.

Even saying the word “bridge” will put hair on your chest.  If the word “bridge” weren’t already wed to these hardcore erections of mankind, it’d probably be a weapon.  I don’t mean it would be used to refer to a weapon.  Fuck that.  I mean this word hits you with enough blunt force that the word “bridge” itself would be used to fight wars with.  Since I started typing this, I’ve gained six broken ribs, a black eye, and lost three teeth because I kept saying “bridge” too much and the word just started kicking my ass around like a fucking hacky sack.

Oh man, bridges are so fucking cool.

FUCK.